Break Through the Cycles of Emotional Abuse to Reclaim Your Life with Tully Rose

Lauren Best (00:00:08) – Welcome to Provoking Possibilities, where we reflect on pivotal life moments, ask thought provoking questions, and dream up new possibilities for living a life you love that may be a little out of your current reality. I’m Lauren Best, a certified hypnotherapist and provoker of possibility, and I’ve created this podcast for people who are curious about exploring new ways of living, who are looking to connect deeper with their bodies, their intuition, their hearts, and then known and who are really ready to just embrace their most authentic selves, to move into flow and into alignment. There is just so much that is possible for us when we open ourselves up to exploring new possibilities beyond our wildest imagination. So if you’re ready and curious to begin exploring new possibilities, join me every week for a new episode of Provoking Possibilities on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or wherever you get your podcasts. Let’s dive in. Today I have planned a meeting of the minds with certified coach and EFT practitioner Tilly Rose, who specializes in helping those in toxic relationships break out of the cycles of abuse and create the life they want and deserve.

Lauren Best (00:01:23) – And I can tell you, she walks the talk after seeing her grow over the past few years as she’s really reclaimed her story of growing up with abuse, being a victim of relationship violence, as well as caregiving for and also losing both of her beloved grandparents this past year, all the while starting a successful business where she’s actively awakening people from the shackles of domestic violence and narcissistic abuse so that they, too, may begin the path to freedom and all the. Although those matters are quite serious, she really isn’t afraid to confront tough topics or ask the hard questions, which are some of her many superpowers that she uses to help her clients create profound change in a short amount of time. And I can tell you, you can also get a glimpse of that, too, by checking out her social media, which is extremely animated, comedic. So funny. Oh, my goodness. And really sprinkled with a lot of F-bombs and charisma. But most importantly, she really serves to open people’s minds to experiencing something better for their lives that they really, really do deserve.

Lauren Best (00:02:30) – So let’s welcome Tully to the chat. Thank you so much for joining me today and sharing all your wisdom with us.

Tully Rose (00:02:37) – I’m so happy to be here. And, you know, just so lucky to have this conversation with you. Lauren, you and I have a personal relationship outside of a professional one, and I know how well you serve your own clientele. And if they’re anything like my audience, they will get something out of this conversation. So I am happy and grateful to be here.

Lauren Best (00:03:01) – Well, it’s like the most exciting thing. Whenever we do have a chat, it’s like we don’t know where it’s going. Yes. So many possibilities that, like, we, you know, didn’t imagine that that could come up. But I’m really just looking forward to learning more about the topic of how someone can really rewrite their story because you have done such a profound job of doing this and just rewriting that story of, you know, being in a place where someone might be trapped in that psychological prison of abuse to really releasing those trauma bonds that are really controlling their lives, to reclaiming their own stories, their voices, their control, essentially over their lives.

Lauren Best (00:03:41) – And because that is such a like I wrote this word down earlier, like it popped into my head an ecosystem essentially, because there’s so many overlaps and layers. And, you know, this ecosystem of toxic abuse really runs so deep. It’s we know it’s not as easy as waking up and.

Tully Rose (00:03:59) – Saying, I might have to use that. Lauren Yeah, I love that so much. Ecosystem of abuse, a system of toxicity. It absolutely is. That that is a great observation.

Lauren Best (00:04:11) – Yeah. And I’m just like really interested to learn from you having done this and persevered and been through so much, you know, what does it this is a big question to start off with, but really, like what does it take to go beyond those cycles, beyond that, like break that ecosystem of abuse to really reclaim your life?

Tully Rose (00:04:30) – Yeah, Yeah. So the answer to that question, it is it is a big question and therefore it’s a big answer. Right? So it is a complex answer, but I’m going to try my best to bullet point it the the journey back to self.

Tully Rose (00:04:46) – The journey to breaking that cycle is not at all about the other person. And that is I know it’s not. Yes, there is a level where it’s recommended. I do recommend that people educate themselves. So that is one of the first steps is awareness and education. Right. Educating yourself on what abuse is, on what trauma bonds are, the symptoms of an abusive relationship, and how abuse does not not just translate to physical abuse. There is there have been brain scans to show that emotional and psychological abuse affects our brains the same way it does, as if we were hit physically. So and and even though that information, I think, is widely spread, there are some people who still don’t know it or because of the stigma that there is surrounding abuse victims, they don’t accept it. They, you know, so having that awareness and education of what abuse is and what trauma bonds are, you know, knowing that you’re in that that the cycle traps you in sort of a psychological prison, knowing that that’s what it is.

Tully Rose (00:06:02) – And it’s not that you are weak or stupid or naive or whatever other names you might be calling yourself, knowing that gives you power. Yeah, knowledge gives you power because then you know what it is. It’s not that you’re stupid, it’s or naive. It is, is because this is. This is the cycle that keeps people trapped. This is exactly the thing that makes abuse such a such an epidemic. A poison that permeates so many societies. It doesn’t matter how old you are, how rich you are, how poor you are, what your ethnicity is, or your sexual orientation. It can touch anyone at any time, including people who haven’t had trauma in their childhood. This isn’t just people like, Oh, you have issues from childhood that gets you into this cycle. No, a person who is manipulative and abusive can. Can get into the head of somebody who didn’t grow up with childhood trauma so it can happen to anybody. So first, knowing that education again, going back to your original question, I got a little bit on my soapbox there, but it was great.

Lauren Best (00:07:12) – It was.

Tully Rose (00:07:12) – Great. So education and awareness, knowing what it is that you’re dealing with. And the second thing is to know that to get back into the habit of thinking about yourself and thinking about what you want and need for your life, and that includes getting to know your core values, getting to know what is most important to you in this world. Because, for example, if trustworthiness is one of your deeply held values, then you are going in direct opposition to that value by being in a toxic relationship with somebody who is not honest with you, with you. And not only that, but you end up not being honest with yourself about how unhappy you are and how much you’re suffering. So you’re going in conflict, direct conflict with a deeply held value because you’re someone you have in your orbit who is close to you, is lying to you on a regular basis, and you’re also lying to yourself when you go in in opposition to your deeply held values. We suffer every time. So being in an abusive relationship is the pain is multi-layered.

Tully Rose (00:08:20) – It’s not just that you’re being treated badly, it’s that you are also engaging in behaviors that that that conflict with your deeply held values. So the journey back to self is also like getting reacquainted or acquainted for the first time. If you’ve never been a person who’s really thought about your values, getting reacquainted or acquainted with them and then taking steps on a daily basis, little ones, they don’t have to be big things, little ones that get you back in flow with what means the most to you in the world. Because tiny habits that we engage in every day add up to big changes in our lives. So if I know that was still a long answer, but it’s even more complex and big than that, but in if that’s the best way that I could condense it down to the answer to the question, how to break the cycle, become educated in the realm of abuse and and, you know, engage in habits and behaviors that get you thinking and taking action towards the things that you want for your life.

Lauren Best (00:09:30) – Yeah. And, you know, with that, like, self-awareness is really the key to anything, right? To changing any habit and anything like that. And I’m curious to learn, you know, what are some of those tiny steps, I guess, that you in your journey like really were life changing for you to like do this 1 or 2 little things that really slowly started to plant that seed for you to get back to yourself or give yourself, you know, little sprinkles of like engaging with your values or enjoying the things that you love that make you feel more like you, even when even perhaps for those people who are listening who are like, who am I? I don’t know what these things could be, right? Like because we get so sucked into this, right? So lost in, you know, this toxicity, essentially. So what are some of those things that, you know, you were finding happiness in or connection with?

Tully Rose (00:10:24) – Yeah, absolutely. So, um, I would say that.

Tully Rose (00:10:29) – One of my values is, is health and wellness, you know, taking care of my of my body. And I was not doing that at all when I was engaged in this relationship or even like in certain periods where we weren’t in contact because I went back several times. And so. You know, there’s probably, you know, and other people that are listening know what it feels like to not take care of yourself, you know, instead of, you know, going on that walk, connecting with nature. You sit in the house and you eat a whole bag of Doritos, right? So not only are you not moving your body, you’re putting crappy food into your system and you feel, you know, your stomach is upset, you feel bloated, you feel inflamed, and you just feel sluggish and exhausted because you’re not taking care of yourself. So one of the things that helped me on my journey was to realign myself with what, you know, with moving my body, with body movement and trying to focus on foods that actually nourish me and make me feel better.

Tully Rose (00:11:39) – Even though in the short term it was very uncomfortable because I wanted to keep doing, you know, my brain wants to keep doing whatever it was doing before, even if it’s bad for me. So I think that as in in a if I was to give it like the direction in a general sense, I think that that is almost like a foundation for anyone is to find something that works for you in terms of what what do you like doing that involves moving your body? I don’t care what it is. You can dance alone in your room. You can take a walk, you can hike, you can run, you can go to the gym, you can do yoga. I don’t care what it is, but something. There’s something sacred and special about moving your body and being hydrated enough and paying attention to what you’re consuming food wise because they’re, you know, knowing whether you’re just eating emotionally to deal with the feelings that you don’t want to deal with. So I think that that was that was a huge, um, it helped me to develop myself, trust that I can trust myself to take care of me, right? I can make decisions that are in my best interest.

Tully Rose (00:12:53) – Um, you know, and then and then something else for me that I’m just trying to pick things that translate more widely, you know, because everybody’s an individual. So this is going to be an individual journey. But what also translated to me that is more widely would would be more widely resonating is to review my circle of friends and influences and connect with people who can fill my cup.

Lauren Best (00:13:25) – Right.

Tully Rose (00:13:26) – Because in these relationships, we give so much of ourselves away that in the person doesn’t really fill our cups up. That’s why they’re called crumbs of affection. We’re kind of thrown these crumbs and we just just gobbled them up because, you know, that’s really all we get and we’re so grateful for it. But we’re still, like starving, right? So and because of the stigma of stigma of toxic relationships, we sometimes end up isolating ourselves and withdrawing from people who would be really good for us to connect with. So another way habit that I put into place was to to connect with people who could fill my cup up, who could support me, who could support me in healthy habits.

Tully Rose (00:14:13) – Like maybe I’m if I need to move my body, then there are people that I can go on walks with that would love to do that with me. So not only do I get to move my body, but I get to have a conversation with someone who cares about me. So those types of things that aligned with my core values and that really set the foundation for me to trust myself more.

Lauren Best (00:14:37) – Yeah. And I think that, like, our bodies know first, right? I went through that experience of my body knew first my mind was in survival mode and this was to do with more of a toxic workplace piled upon other things. But, you know, my mind was like in this survival mode and it was like, you know, get through this. There’s no way out. But it was like my body was like, nope, that’s it. Like, I ended up with appendicitis. And I was, you know, all these things where it was like, I know now my body was screaming at me.

Lauren Best (00:15:07) – Yes, my mind wasn’t ready right to. And it doesn’t have to look that extreme. But our whether it’s just, you know, different aches and pains in our body or however it manifests, our bodies often know before we do. And it’s just incredible that they’re you know, they’re here to support us in that way as well. And like, they’re ready for us to nourish them again. And, you know, reconnecting to that intuition, like you said. And that self-trust is, you know, can seem so difficult when you don’t really know right up from down or you’re, you know, in this. The space of just not really knowing what it is you want anymore because you’re all your energy is directed on one person or one getting one result. That just isn’t going to happen. And so I’d love for people, if you don’t mind taking us through a little bit about, you know, what is a trauma bond for some people who don’t know, just so that they can begin to really recognize certain signs within their own lives?

Tully Rose (00:16:11) – Sure.

Tully Rose (00:16:11) – Sure. Absolutely. And just to comment just for a moment on something you said I thought was really important, is that listening to our bodies. Their emotions are basically physical sensations. And when I when I first read that or heard that, it kind of blew my mind because we kind of we we tend to separate the emotional from the physical. But emotions are physical sensations. So if we’re able to tune into our bodies, our bodies are always communicating with us. Our bodies hold such wisdom. So that is also part of the journey, is being able to tune back into our bodies and trust what it is communicating to us that, you know, maybe there it’s communicating that this person is a threat to our well-being and to pay attention. Yeah. So I just wanted to side bar on that for just a moment, just to really like drive in that point that you that you were making there. But in terms of trauma, bond trauma bonding is it’s it’s almost like another way of talking about domestic violence, to be quite honest.

Tully Rose (00:17:15) – But what it is, is the trauma bond is the cycle of abuse. So this is somebody who ends up punishing us and rewarding us in a cyclical, cyclical manner. So what I mean by punishment and reward is that sometimes this person is very kind and loving and affectionate and gives us what we’re asking for attention, whatever it is. Maybe sex, but it doesn’t last very long. And then the punishment comes, which could be being verbally abused, lied to, stonewalled, you know, or the silent treatment. Right. And and the part of it is that we don’t know when either is coming. We don’t know when we’re going to get the reward. We definitely know that the punishment is coming, but we also don’t know when that is coming. So there have been this is also called intermittent reinforcement, which means that we get positively it’s positive reinforcement comes and but it doesn’t come all the time and we don’t know when it’s coming. We could engage in the same whatever behavior that we may be connected with, getting the good response from them.

Tully Rose (00:18:31) – That doesn’t it’s not like we get the reward every time we do the thing right. We don’t it doesn’t always work that way. Sometimes we can behave in exactly the same way and then we get punished for that behavior. So it’s a very confusing cycle. And that’s what it’s so confusing to our brains that it keeps us in the cycle, it keeps us there, and then we keep wanting the reward. So there have been experiments that have been done on animals, like, for example, rats, where they they train them to press the button to get a treat. And so they’re very smart. They learn. And so they press the button and they get the treat. And this goes on for a while. So now there are fully trained to press the button and get the treat, but then all of a sudden. They press the button and they don’t get the treat right. And then what? I remember.

Lauren Best (00:19:25) – Seeing this when I was a kid, like videos of this experiment.

Tully Rose (00:19:29) – Freak out.

Tully Rose (00:19:30) – It’s a very stressful experience. So then they keep pressing it and keep pressing it and keep pressing it. And then they get a treat and they’re like, Oh, God, thank God, right? And then they press it again and they don’t get a treat. So they they begin to live in this chronic state of stress where they’re furiously, desperately pressing the button to get the treat. And it only comes sometimes and they have no idea when it’s coming. That is. And I am in no way saying that victim of victims of abuse are rats. It’s just an example to to show another way of explaining how this happens and the psychology.

Lauren Best (00:20:13) – And the science.

Tully Rose (00:20:14) – The psychology and the science of it. Yes. So another another way of explaining it would be cognitive dissonance, which means that with these types of personalities, we end up holding two very different ideas or philosophies about this person or the situation at the same time, which means like we hold the idea that this person is good because they’re good when they do good, like nice things, right? And we’re also holding the idea that they’re bad, they do terrible things, They do such hurtful things.

Tully Rose (00:20:45) – So the these two ideas of the person are in direct conflict. And because they’re in direct conflict, it can be paralyzing. We do nothing or we stay in the relationship because our brain is programmed to just want to get to the other side. And what is the other side? It means like we want to just get past whatever this obstacle is, and the obstacle is figuring out what is what is going on here. I don’t understand. Like, are things going to get better? Are they good or bad? So we stay because our brains kind of want to figure it out. We want to figure out because it doesn’t make sense. And I have said before, and this might sound like a strong statement to some people listening, but I’ve said before that the kind of toxic and abusive relationships I’m speaking about, I believe that this is what evil on earth, walking with evil on earth. Like what is more evil than someone who can treat you with love and care and then turn around and do some of the most cruel right that can possibly be done, you know, using your vulnerabilities, things that maybe like dark parts of you that you’ve shared with them, someone who can and will take that information and then weaponize it against you in the most hurtful way possible for to me, that’s like evil on Earth.

Tully Rose (00:22:03) – That’s like walking with evil. And the reason why these relationships are the way they are is because they’re not 100% bad. Yeah, if they were 100% bad, we wouldn’t stay in them. But what makes them so insidious, so evil and and so difficult to get out of is because they aren’t 100% bad. Yeah. This person stabs us in the back and then sews up the wound. They become both perpetrator and savior. Sorry. Please go ahead. No, I.

Lauren Best (00:22:37) – Was going to say, like, this is a perfect time. I think right here, just to like give people a chance to, like, acknowledge and like, recognize that, like, if this is happening in your life, like, both things can be true. Yes. This confusion you’re feeling is so valid. Both things can be true. They can be good and they can be bad. And it doesn’t.

Tully Rose (00:22:58) – Never understand it. Exactly. You’re not going to understand it. And there is they’re not going to give you the closure.

Tully Rose (00:23:05) – That’s the thing. They will not give you the closure. They are the ones hurting you. They aren’t the ones to make it better.

Lauren Best (00:23:13) – Right. And with that, like, because that is so real, you know, with that comes so many limiting beliefs. And what are some of these beliefs, I guess, that you see amongst your clients the most that are really holding them back from right creating this change or moving into a greater state of awareness?

Tully Rose (00:23:33) – Sure. Sure. Those So first to clarify, some of them are the beliefs that the partner or the person, because this could be a family relationship, a friend relationship. You know, it doesn’t have to be romantic, but the person for the the client say, you know, their limiting beliefs could be what the person has said about them to them. Right? So there’s that believing the lies of like, this is who you are. You’re a crazy person. You’re like, no one’s going to love you better than I love you.

Tully Rose (00:24:13) – No one’s going to put up with your shit the way that I do. So it’s those limiting beliefs of believing whatever they’re saying about them. And then there’s the ones that you can also form on your own that just come as a response to it. So those limiting beliefs are, um, I’m not lovable that no one else is going to love me the way this person does, that I will never love someone like I love this person again. Um, that I’m stupid and naive for staying in it. Um, so those are some of the beliefs that that, that we, some of the common ones that, that I deal with that have to be, um, reframed, basically.

Lauren Best (00:25:09) – Yeah. Yeah. And that’s the thing. Like, you know, since I started doing hypnosis as well, it was like one of these realizations, like a lot of these stories and limiting beliefs that I have. Like, they’re not mine. They’re actually not mine. They don’t belong to me. I’ve somehow my mind has taken ownership of them, but they really aren’t mine.

Lauren Best (00:25:28) – And I get to rewrite these stories. And, you know, since you’ve really invested in doing the hard work and feeling all the emotions, moving into self-awareness, you know, going through your own realizations and persevering to really detach from that trauma. Bond I’d love for you to paint a picture for people who can’t quite yet envision, you know, what life could be like for that. You know, what are some of these possibilities that you can absolutely experience on the other side of this process?

Tully Rose (00:25:59) – Yeah. Yeah, definitely. So on the other side is truth is what I would say. And, and so I’ll expand to what I mean by that. So in these relationships so many times, I’m not saying this applies to everyone, but so many times I hear I don’t act like this with anyone else. This person brings out in me these behaviors that I’m not proud of. I don’t like who I am in this relationship, and I don’t behave like this with with anyone else. So really getting getting real about that and accepting it that just because, for example, you know something, sometimes we can become like detectives in these relationships.

Tully Rose (00:26:47) – So I’m not proud that I used to drive by wherever my ex said that he was going to be to confirm that, in fact, that’s where he was. But I did it. And also at the same time, I confirmed that I was being lied to. Right. So the fact that I became a detective, I’m not proud of that. But I also did it like realizing that I did it because I was responding to normally to an abnormal situation. So being able to look back like zoom out and see what where is the evidence that, first of all, that like, this is not who you are, this is how this is who you are with this person. And I’m not saying that like, oh, just blame everything on them. I’m just saying that some people are so bad for you that they can bring out very dark parts of you. Yeah, right. So realizing, like looking at the evidence, where is the evidence that if you’re telling yourself you’re not a loving person or you’re not a worthy person or you’re not cared about, zoom out.

Tully Rose (00:27:56) – Where is the evidence that you are loved? Where is the evidence that you do have people in your life that care about you and maybe, you know, you you’re maybe your professional life is sort of failing in response to your toxic relationship. I had an entire business go under because my ex kind of like invited himself into it. And also and also I was so preoccupied with the relationship that I didn’t put my all into it. So knowing that zooming out and seeing, you know what, here are the ways that I have excelled in my professional life, here are here is the evidence of my accomplishments. Yeah, we are not just a person in a relationship. We are so much more than that. So on the other side of it is all this evidence that it’s actually this is actually not who we are and actually not. Who we have to be forever, right?

Lauren Best (00:28:57) – And there’s that like reclamation of like, you get to take your energy back. You get to have your voice back. You get to, you know, embrace all the things that you love and the people that you love and continue to grow.

Lauren Best (00:29:12) – And you don’t have to, you know, you be using your energy on someone else or perhaps the energy from yourself on things that really don’t align to your values. And I love how you started sharing with us first. Like this is a perfect example of, you know, showing ourselves how we can be misaligned from our values. So I have one last question for you. You might have already answered it, but I just want to ask you if there was one question that you’d suggest people ask themselves, Like even if it’s a really small question, you know, these people who are beginning to wonder if there really is a reality beyond their current dynamic and their current life, what would you suggest that they ask themselves?

Tully Rose (00:29:58) – I would suggest that they ask themselves, What does love mean to me? What is love mean to me? Because it isn’t just it. What does it mean to love somebody and what does it mean to be loved? Because as much as we want to say this, I love this person and I’m not saying I doubt that that happens, that we love them, but how can we truly love somebody when we spend so much time trying to protect ourselves from the pain they cause us harm?

Lauren Best (00:30:31) – Wow.

Lauren Best (00:30:32) – Amazing. Well, that’s a great question to kind of end off with. There’s so much more I know that we could dig into and perhaps we can do that in a part two on a later date. But I am so grateful, grateful to have had you, Tully join us and I’d love for you to share. Where can people find you and how can they work with you?

Tully Rose (00:30:51) – Sure, sure. I am still taking clients at this point. You can find me on my website, which is Tully Rose. Com or you can find me on multiple social channels at the handle at I am Tallulah Rose. Yep.

Lauren Best (00:31:10) – Amazing. Thank you so much. And we’ll have all those links below for anyone who’s interested. But I definitely recommend check out Tully’s TikTok. You will get a laugh. You might have a cry. I’m not sure what will happen, but you’ll definitely feel some feels. And thank you so much.

Tully Rose (00:31:28) – Thank you, Lauren.

Lauren Best (00:31:31) – Are you ready to let go of waiting for other people to tell you who you are, what to do, and how you should show up.

Lauren Best (00:31:39) – If you are, I want to invite you to join me in a small group of women to design your own version Of what? Giving yourself more permission to be You could look like, what it could feel like and what it has the potential to unlock within your life beyond waiting for the world and people around you to give you the permission to do so. Permission slips will be that awesome group of girlfriends cheering you on to unlock the most magical parts of yourself and you’ll just feel so loved and supported to receive without the pressure or loneliness of having to figure it all out on your own. Visit my website. Lauren Slash Permission Slips to find out more. Thank you so much for joining me on this journey of exploring new possibilities and embracing your most authentic self. I appreciate you and your willingness to open your mind and your heart to new ideas and ways of being that are beyond your current reality. So if you found value in this episode, please take a moment to leave a reading and review on Apple Podcasts or wherever you listen to this podcast.

Lauren Best (00:32:51) – Your support helps us to spread the message of compassion, self discovery and personal growth to more people who may benefit from it. And if you’re looking for additional support on your journey of self-discovery and transformation, I invite you to visit my website at Lauren Bascombe, where you’ll find resources, courses and coaching services to help you navigate life’s challenges with more ease and joy and confidence and support. So please check that out. And more than anything, I hope you’ll remember that you’re not alone on this journey. We are all in this together, and by embracing our most authentic selves, we can create more compassion and connection to the world. So please keep dreaming, keep exploring and keep provoking possibilities with love and intuition. I’ll be back soon with more thought provoking questions, inspiring stories, and powerful insights and conversations to support you on your journey. But until then, take care of yourself and others and remember that you are worthy of love and possibility.